Okay -- I'm not to going to completely shut you down. Before you read anything else, I think you have a story to tell and that is valuable.

However, one thing I can't get past is the form and rhythm, or lack thereof. One thing I could suggest is reading the words of established poets and seeing how they construct their words and how they're placed, and why they're so. Always remember that poetry is as much a sonic art as it is written. Here's a good resource for what I just talked about: www.poetryfoundation.org/learn…

If you do what I mentioned above and then sharpen your diction, you could be considerably better.